Actually no. My feelings are clear. I think they always have been.

On the one hand, there’s him. The one who’s supposed to be my boyfriend. The one I should love. Well, yes, I do love him. Only, I’m not in love with him. In fact, I’m practically avoiding him now, because I don’t know what to say to him anymore.

Then there’s you. My best friend. The one I used to hate. The one I ended up briefly dating, way back when. I loved you then. We broke up. Your parents drove you to it. We stayed friends. Became best friends, even. You moved on. I tried. Somehow every other guy I was with; I compared to you. We didn’t talk all the time; I only saw you once a week, anyway. And whenever I started liking a guy, you’d start texting me again, and I’d fall for you. All over again.

You know the Katy Perry song, Thinking of You? That’s how I feel. As well as You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift. And practically every other lost love/unrequited love/DUDE-I-LOVE-MY-BEST-FRIEND song out there. Somehow, I’d make every lyric relevant to us.

You know me, inside and outside. I know you, maybe not entirely inside and out, but more than anyone else does. I know there’s just things in your life you don’t like talking about. But I thank you for telling me everything else. There’s only one thing I ever kept from you. This.

The other day, when we were on the phone. Talking about love. You tell me of who you like now. I approve. Though it’s killing me. Even though yes, I realize I have a boyfriend. Who I don’t appreciate entirely. He’s good for me, I know he is. My mum likes him, so do my friends. But maybe, he’s too good for me. Anyway, back to the point. On the phone, you asked me; Out of the (I’m not gonna say how many okayyy) past boyfriends I’ve had, how many of them did I really love. The answer was easy, but I couldn’t really answer you. So I said; Oh, I dunno, one or two? Then I asked you the same. You answered me the same thing; one or two. I was curious, so I asked you who.

Then you told me. My heart may have stopped for a couple seconds. You said it was me; me and your first girlfriend, back when you were eight. So you asked me; What about you? I may have rambled some stuff about my first so called boyfriend, back in kindergarten. I don’t know, I think my head was still trying to process what you had just said.

We talked about us; and what happened. You sounded like you regretted it. Breaking up, I mean. With that; it got me thinking. We practically admitted that we still love each other. But we cant do anything about it.

Every night, when we text, we sign off with either “Love you”, “ILY”, or “xo”. Or a combination of two of the three. We call each other nicknames, stuff that’s only between us, almost as if we were together. For some reason, this is the longest nicknames we’ve had for each other that actually stuck. Chica; chico. Goodness knows if “chico” actually exists, but at the time I couldn’t think of any other male alternative to “chica”.

Anyway. We talk all the time, and somehow, it doesn’t get boring. When I’m with any other guy, eg. the one I’m with now, I get bored. Really easily. Somehow, it’s always the same. In the beginning, when I’m starting to get to know him, I’d find him really interesting, and become infatuated. If we end up dating, after a while, I’d start to find him boring. Somehow, it’s not that way with you. We’ve been talking crap for the past three years, and it still doesn’t get old.

We’ve been through a lot together in the past years. The time when we were fighting, for that hmm, three weeks in December? Yeah, I think so. That time, I felt like shit. Not having my best friend was just.. Horrible. And during that time, I knew who you liked. Some time during Christmas when you texted me by accident saying that you and her started dating, I felt even more like shit.

I remember when you said that your relationship with her was falling apart, you felt that somehow, we’d get back together. You cant imagine how happy I was when you said that. It never happened. You fell for someone else. It looked like she was falling for you too. Awesome. But then, suddenly she stopped talking to you. I was there to back you up and support you when you felt like shit. All this time hoping there was still a chance for us.

And then there’s now. You like her, I’m with him. But still, I love you.

Jason Mraz, Colbie Callait – you say it’s lucky to be in love with your best friend.

I’m not feeling so lucky here
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