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I don't even.


Actually no. My feelings are clear. I think they always have been.

On the one hand, there’s him. The one who’s supposed to be my boyfriend. The one I should love. Well, yes, I do love him. Only, I’m not in love with him. In fact, I’m practically avoiding him now, because I don’t know what to say to him anymore.

Then there’s you. My best friend. The one I used to hate. The one I ended up briefly dating, way back when. I loved you then. We broke up. Your parents drove you to it. We stayed friends. Became best friends, even. You moved on. I tried. Somehow every other guy I was with; I compared to you. We didn’t talk all the time; I only saw you once a week, anyway. And whenever I started liking a guy, you’d start texting me again, and I’d fall for you. All over again.

You know the Katy Perry song, Thinking of You? That’s how I feel. As well as You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift. And practically every other lost love/unrequited love/DUDE-I-LOVE-MY-BEST-FRIEND song out there. Somehow, I’d make every lyric relevant to us.

You know me, inside and outside. I know you, maybe not entirely inside and out, but more than anyone else does. I know there’s just things in your life you don’t like talking about. But I thank you for telling me everything else. There’s only one thing I ever kept from you. This.

The other day, when we were on the phone. Talking about love. You tell me of who you like now. I approve. Though it’s killing me. Even though yes, I realize I have a boyfriend. Who I don’t appreciate entirely. He’s good for me, I know he is. My mum likes him, so do my friends. But maybe, he’s too good for me. Anyway, back to the point. On the phone, you asked me; Out of the (I’m not gonna say how many okayyy) past boyfriends I’ve had, how many of them did I really love. The answer was easy, but I couldn’t really answer you. So I said; Oh, I dunno, one or two? Then I asked you the same. You answered me the same thing; one or two. I was curious, so I asked you who.

Then you told me. My heart may have stopped for a couple seconds. You said it was me; me and your first girlfriend, back when you were eight. So you asked me; What about you? I may have rambled some stuff about my first so called boyfriend, back in kindergarten. I don’t know, I think my head was still trying to process what you had just said.

We talked about us; and what happened. You sounded like you regretted it. Breaking up, I mean. With that; it got me thinking. We practically admitted that we still love each other. But we cant do anything about it.

Every night, when we text, we sign off with either “Love you”, “ILY”, or “xo”. Or a combination of two of the three. We call each other nicknames, stuff that’s only between us, almost as if we were together. For some reason, this is the longest nicknames we’ve had for each other that actually stuck. Chica; chico. Goodness knows if “chico” actually exists, but at the time I couldn’t think of any other male alternative to “chica”.

Anyway. We talk all the time, and somehow, it doesn’t get boring. When I’m with any other guy, eg. the one I’m with now, I get bored. Really easily. Somehow, it’s always the same. In the beginning, when I’m starting to get to know him, I’d find him really interesting, and become infatuated. If we end up dating, after a while, I’d start to find him boring. Somehow, it’s not that way with you. We’ve been talking crap for the past three years, and it still doesn’t get old.

We’ve been through a lot together in the past years. The time when we were fighting, for that hmm, three weeks in December? Yeah, I think so. That time, I felt like shit. Not having my best friend was just.. Horrible. And during that time, I knew who you liked. Some time during Christmas when you texted me by accident saying that you and her started dating, I felt even more like shit.

I remember when you said that your relationship with her was falling apart, you felt that somehow, we’d get back together. You cant imagine how happy I was when you said that. It never happened. You fell for someone else. It looked like she was falling for you too. Awesome. But then, suddenly she stopped talking to you. I was there to back you up and support you when you felt like shit. All this time hoping there was still a chance for us.

And then there’s now. You like her, I’m with him. But still, I love you.

Jason Mraz, Colbie Callait – you say it’s lucky to be in love with your best friend.

I’m not feeling so lucky here

So. As you guys may or may not have noticed, I've not been posting over at the Home so much lately. Well that's because I'm involved in a Christmas musical the youth in my church is having. One important thing to note is, that I'm the ONLY person involved in this musical in any way whatsoever that is not from any one of the graduate Rally teams (my church has been having Youth Rallies every year since 2005 and each year there's a different organizing team). So with my being involved in this I have slightly mixed feelings. For one, it IS slightly an honour to be asked. But on the other hand, the teams have a reputation for being "exclusive" and they tend to keep to themselves. It's almost like being on any one of the Youth Rally teams makes them part of some elite club no one else is privvy to.

So anyway, whenever I go for practice, which is nearly every day (and therefore why I haven't been posting that much), I tend to feel left out quite a lot. Even in the collective "clique" of graduate members, there seem to be more inside cliques. Also, the organizers of this whole thing tend to play favourites. It's very obvious who the favourites are, seeing as there weren't even any auditions for the parts of the musical and they just gave the parts out. I'm not feeling sore about not having a part or anything, I don't act - I dance. But either way, I'm just saying. For the other not-so-good-at-acting-or-singing favourites, they gave them quite a few dances to be in. Even though some people are actually relatively quite bad at dancing. Yes, THIS I am sore about. I mean, there are just SOME things that some people cannot do, and others can! But still, they give it to.. Yeah.

Thankfully, I do have some friends there who try to include me in things. And the more awkward 08 team members. (: So, for the opening of our musical, which will be held during the youth Christmas party, they'll be performing their version of Stomp! as icebreakers or something, I guess. Today while they were practicing during break I went in to watch them for a while. Being an ex-percussionist from my school band (sob sob), I was sort of helping them. Emphasis on the sort of. Because of that, Alan, the guy put in charge of it (and one of my friends :D), asked me to join them, because there weren't enough people anyway. So I agreed. I mean, why not. I love playing percussion as much as I love dancing. But also because I'll be dancing in the later part of the night, I'd have to be in full makeup and costume, so Alan said he'll have to ask one of the organizers about it first.

When she came in to check on them/us, Alan asked if I could be in as well. Answer? NO. =.= Bugger. Her reasoning was that because they'd be performing it the next day as well for the church's annual charity dinner and it was only the Youth Ministry(bloody team members)'s slot and other people could not be involved. WTF. THANKS LA RIGHT. A few days before you were asking people to get involved with the thing because there's not enough people and when I wanna do it you say no, WHAT THE CRAP LA. Plus, half the time I bet you cant even remember my name. Is it so hard? I have the same name as your beloved freaking choreographer! Only with different spelling.

After that I just brushed it off and continued as if I didn't hear her (she didn't say it to me, she said it to Alan). Basically practice started again after that and I guess it was okay. And I'm off to practice again today, since it's past midnight here, on my birthday. Ah well.

Thankyou so much: Nick, Lyn, Alan, Evie, Patrick, Brandon, Ian and VanVan, for trying to make me feel included. And Brandon, for sending me home the past two days. ILY GUYS. Even though you cant read this. Lol.
Because my LJ is basically empty and looks so suckish. XD

David Cook's self-titled album is 64323456 kinds of awesome, even though I don't have the physical copy yet. YAY for iTunes gifting, yo. ThankyousomuchEve, Ifreakingloveyou. I love Come Back To Me. (:

Right now I totally wish I lived in the USofA, particularly NYC, because that seems to be where everyblodything seems to be happening. I'm very sure Dom agrees with me. Hard Rock (TWICE!), The BoUH going to buy the record, signings.. Dammit.

Wogeyh behhh!
Peas and tacobell grease, y'all.